


and if i asked you to name all the things that you love (how long would it take for you to name yourself?)

by pearlselegancies



Series: we hold each other (julie & flynn fics) [1]
Category: Julie and The Phantoms (TV)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Hurt very little comfort, Mental Health Issues, Self Confidence Issues, a guide on how to NOT deal with your grief, black girls struggle with mental heath too, lots of the word fuck, sometimes being jealous of your best friend is okay, sorry about that, the toll of what being the always supportive best friend does to you, this is gonna be painful
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-21
Updated: 2021-01-21
Packaged: 2021-03-13 03:54:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28896960
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pearlselegancies/pseuds/pearlselegancies
Summary: Sometimes, it's really fucking loud in Flynn's head. She tries to stamp it out, to ignore it, but it's hard. It's hard having a million things on your mind, and not enough room to disperse them.
Relationships: Flynn & Her Parents, Flynn & Julie Molina, Flynn & Nick (Julie and The Phantoms), Flynn & Rose Molina & Ray Molina, Flynn/Nick (Implied)
Series: we hold each other (julie & flynn fics) [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2131125
Comments: 4
Kudos: 33





	and if i asked you to name all the things that you love (how long would it take for you to name yourself?)

**Author's Note:**

> uh trigger warning for grief, not dealing with grief properly, depression, mentions of disassociation (the loudness that flynn refers to) and overall depression. if this fic may be too much for you, feel free to skip over it. also i'm fine in terms of my mental heath rn, i swear, i just had an idea and this happened as a result!

Sometimes, it's really fucking loud in Flynn's head. She tries to stamp it out, to ignore it, but it's hard. It's hard having a million things on your mind, and not enough room to disperse them.  
  
It also really hard to watch your best friend lose everything in a matter of minutes. Despite common belief, Flynn had never been really close with Rose Molina. She'd known the woman since she was in grade two of course, but she's never been close with her. Ray had always been her favorite of the Molinas - next to Julie of course.  
  
Losing Rose though, still hits her like a freight train. It's one of the few times she feels like her brain has ever been quiet.  
  
The hospital room is cold despite it being 80° in Los Angeles and hearing Julie cry like that is something she'll never be able to forget. Two weeks later, they have the funeral and Julie plays the piano for the last time. In a long, long while.  
  
And it sucks, because Flynn knows her best friend is talented, knows it with all her heart but nothing makes Julie want to play again.  
  
And that's fine. Flynn is willing to wait. Julie needs her anyways. She pretends that the loudness doesn't turn to almost screams as she spends night after night staying up late with Julie, then coming over at 5 am to help Carlos get ready for school.  
  
Some days she succeeds on coaxing Julie out of bed, and some days the grief is too strong, for both of them. Flynn wonders if it will ever grow weaker. But that's not what a supportive best friend thinks, so she bottles it up. Again.  
  
It isn't until a year later, when three ghosts show up that she plays again. And okay, maybe Flynn is overreacting a lot, but god fucking damn it, her and Julie were supposed to be Double Trouble, and she's already lost Rose, she can't fucking lose this too.  
  
So yeah, she grabs an extra cartoon of eggs, and she plans on going over to Julie's house and egging it. She doesn't. Instead Julie ends up apologizing and she gets to meet the boys and she sees how happy music has made her best friend again.  
  
It hurts. To know that she couldn't do that for her. It really fucking hurts. (She's starting to think she uses the word fuck too often.)  
  
They stand Julie up at the school dance, and a part of Flynn feels almost vindicated. It didn't last. Her and Julie can be, her and Julie again. But of course, Julie forgives them and suddenly Flynn isn't so sure.  
  
Stephanie - her older sister who's in law school, tells her that she's just jealous. Irrationally jealous in fact. Flynn doesn't tell her the total truth, only that Julie's playing music again, and it's not with her. Somehow, this makes it even more real.  
  
She cries about it. It's the night after Eats N Beats and for whatever reason, she just ends up sobbing into her pillow. She's so loud, that her younger brother Isaiah comes to sleep in her room, something he hasn't done since he was three.  
  
As selfish as it is, sometimes she misses when Julie didn't sing. Misses how she didn't worry about stupid crushes on ghosts, misses how they could talk about Rose and how much pain they both were in. She misses the silence. How she didn't have the loudness in her head back then.  
  
Then the Orpheum comes. And fuck. If Flynn had been a mess before, she was an even bigger mess afterwards.  
  
Julie can touch them now. She can hold their hands, and hug them and she relishes in it. Carlos, Tia and Ray all find out.  
  
Flynn watches as Luke pulls Julie in close, and she wonders when she stopped being enough. When she stopped being Julie's best friend and became just Julie and The Phantoms' manager.  
  
Stephanie tells her to not overthink it, and to talk to Julie but they are never alone. Ever. If it isn't Julie's dad or her Tia interrupting, then it's one of the boys or a fan or someone.  
  
But again, she doesn't say anything. After all, this is supposed to be a good thing. Julie's happy. Everyone is happy.  
  
Except for her.  
  
And isn't that just fucking great. The loudness comes back and it's back with a vengeance, and she locks herself in her room and when her parents drag her out after weeks, the doctors tell her parents it's clinical depression and Julie's back but it doesn't feel right.  
  
Flynn's always been the one to help others. She doesn't know what to do when she needs help. Her mama cries and her dad hugs her as tight as she can and Isaiah... her sweet baby brother never wants to leave her alone.  
  
And Julie. Flynn's never seen Julie so scared. Not even when the doctor said that Rose only had fifteen minutes left. Julie doesn't want to leave her side.  
  
"Why didn't you tell me?" She asks and honestly, Flynn doesn't have an answer. She just lets Julie fall asleep curled up around her, as if she's scared that Flynn will take off into the night.  
  
Stephanie doesn't come to visit once. Isaiah thinks it's because she's studying for her exams but Flynn knows the truth. She's blaming herself, overanalyzing everything that she did wrong. Flynn doesn't blame her.  
  
She did the same thing too.  
  
The loudness starts to get quieter and quieter, to the point where she's allowed back at school.  
  
Carrie gives her a look when she walks into music class, but Nick gives her that dumb all American boy smile that she used to make fun of Julie for swooning over and maybe she can make something out of this.  
  
Things aren't perfect. She still has to take two medications every morning and go to therapy three times a week but she's herself again.  
  
As much as she could be. After all, when you build your life around being a supportive best friend, how much of you is... you? How much of you actually exists?


End file.
